I’ve been going through a bit of an existential crisis, concerning my blogging life mostly, and throughout it I didn’t much feel like blogging. How funny is that? (sarcasm there) I’m about a week from my ninth anniversary as a blogger and I think, perhaps, it was thinking about that anniversary coming up that put me into my blogging funk. A lot has happened the last few years and my blogging anniversary rings on the same day of the accident that took Mike’s sister’s life, left him injured and out of work for five months and scarred our daughter in ways I can not being to comprehend.
It was two years ago but, sometimes, it still feels very heavy.
Last year, the day before that day could happen I lost my best friend and best blogging buddy to cancer. I still miss her so! She started her first blog because she said I made blogging look fun. It’s nearly been a year but I sometimes still cry.
That’s only a part of this “crisis”, if you will, the sadness that caused me to give to the feelings of self-doubt. I have another blog (that’s also sat neglected as I work through this) that’s a gaming blog. It’s nothing special, I just blog about the games I’m playing. I don’t cover the latest and greatest, news or anything of that sort. I don’t post those heavy, well written and thought-provoking pieces on the state of anything gaming related, it’s just my experiences in my most favorite hobby.
There are so very many amazing gaming bloggers who do some or all of those things that I do not. That’s never bothered me as I have no interest in writing like that anymore. A popular gaming site was shuttered (temporarily), recently, and it sparked a conversation debating the merits of gaming journalism versus gaming bloggers. I agree with the idea that there is not only room for both but a need for both as the two are both different and complementary to each other. Still, the timing this happened was rough and the fact that the question was ever posed angered me.
Note, I was angry at no one but more at life in general and this debate presented me with a target to focus how I was feeling onto. If that makes sense.
The ‘anger’ was short-lived as I took that and ran straight into self-doubt. I asked myself what my voice was, where it belonged and if there was a need or even a purpose to it. I decided my voice had no real impact, that it was no longer needed. Why? I didn’t see it when this started but I do now.
I’m going to be an empty-nester soon(ish).
My biggest identify for most of my life has been “Mom”. My youngest turns 18 (two days before my blogging anniversary … get it?) and my oldest is looking for an apartment or house to move his family into, including Grandbaby. Babygirl, my youngest, had been planning on moving out on her birthday and Bear, my oldest, was hoping to have a place a week later. Neither looks to be happening at the moment, for at least another month, but that first idea of my impending empty nest was, for lack of a better way to put it, scary. Who am I outside of being a mom? I’m a wife but, other than that, I suddenly had no clue.
Hence the bit of crisis where I not only questioned everything I’ve ever thought about blogging, my voice and who I am but also fell victim to self-pity as the events of the last couple of years fell hard on my shoulders again. It happens, no?
Some of those questions I still have no real answer for but I think it’s more in the way of how life evolves and shapes us than anything else. I know my voice is often loud (my neighbors probably hate that about it). Sometimes it’s quiet. I make people laugh, even when I don’t intend to, so there’s that as well. I’m still Mom and my kids, though they do protest, still need me. I have an amazing husband who loves me in spite of my flaws and resistance to add more salt to our food. I’m a Grandma with a beautiful, intelligent, smart and sassy grandkid. (Oh my ghod at the sassy!) I’m a gamer who adores gaming. I am a lot of things.
And I’m a blogger. I’m not ready to quit blogging and taking breaks here and there is probably why I’m still at it. Blogging feels much like a need, a need to connect as well as a need to be heard. (Hello, ego.)